SeanBest

Just like the Onion, every once in a while McSweeney’s goes on an absolute fucking tear. Consider the following excerpt from a recent post, which is a satirical commencement address that would no doubt liven up what in reality is a rather drab affair that is generally four hours too long and far too sweaty.

Friends and family, faculty, and, of course, the graduates: I am honored that you have invited me to be your commencement speaker.

If you would have told me five years ago that I’d be where I am now, I would have said, “Why don’t you back up and give me some personal space?” Why? Because I didn’t know you then and what was it your business where I’d be in five years? It still sort of makes me mad. And, knowing you, you would have persisted, and I would have said, “Why are you so infatuated with what I’ll be doing in five years?” [… ]

My point is that commencement speeches tend to be dry and forgettable. I feel like it’s my obligation to make this commencement speech something you won’t ever forget, and doing that with mere words and wisdom and funny stories is, frankly, impossible.

And that’s why I’ve decided to release a family of lions into the audience. Granted, some of you will lose your lives and some will be mauled to that icky point where you’d rather be dead. Some will lose limbs but go on to secure respectable employment with reasonable wages, assuming you’ve retained the use of at least one arm. Others will mark great achievement in the artificial-limb industry—if not for yourself, then as a tribute to a fellow graduate. For the rest of you: Congratulations, you’ve made it. Welcome to the real world.